http://b13112d.livejournal.com/ b13112d - LiveJournal.com Fri, 02 Dec 2005 04:35:41 GMT LiveJournal / LiveJournal.com b13112d 8892123 personal http://b13112d.livejournal.com/1443.html Fri, 02 Dec 2005 04:35:41 GMT http://b13112d.livejournal.com/1443.html today was another busy day. i get the honey do list. i think in my head it is more like the honey I hate you list. The small list today contained only it felt like a million items in reality it was only 20 some. I count the first ten or so after that I guess. Some of these items are easy. Shampoo carpets easy. Finish up the laundry easy. Clean bathrooms easy. Get out Christmas decorations easy. Make dinner easy. Make all these freaking phone calls I HATE THAT so it is deemed HARD. I do not think I would hate making the phone calls except for the fact is I am told what EXACTLY to say on the phone. God knows if I am off on a word how that effects and changes everything. So I hate talking on the phone this should be no big deal. But it is. I sometimes feel like I am really not part of this family. I have felt this for some time now. I question am I thinking this because I am possibly insecure maybe I will claim that might be. But lets see now I am sent away when certain people are around. I hear my partner say oh I am a single parent with no help. Maybe I dont help. She also says I am single. That one stings. ok it hurts past sting. She always says things like MY HOUSE MY KIDS MY THIS MY THAT I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF ANYTHING IF IT WASNT FOR ME THINGS WOULD COME TO A STOP. In reality I do not remember the last time she made dinner or cleaned any room in the house or took care of the yard. I think I have figured out my role here. She tells the kids all the time how much of a flake I am and how much I am incompent and how I can not tell them what to do and the likes. I am used to that. My role here is to be the cook and house keeper and driver and babysitter. But with that I still am not allowed to make any decisions about dinner, how to clean and clean with what cleaners, and my driving needs to be directed because after all I am lost all the time and babysitter only in name because the kids while i am watching them still say she said otherwise and that they have to ask one of the older kids and not me. I can see where this depression starts. In the AM and travels with me in the day HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN http://b13112d.livejournal.com/1443.html public 0 http://b13112d.livejournal.com/1210.html Thu, 01 Dec 2005 05:16:10 GMT http://b13112d.livejournal.com/1210.html I have been in a depression for over a year now. I keep praying that some how it will magically disappear. I try and do active steps to get out of this funk. Nothing seems to work. Maybe it is my anger about what ever or maybe it is some saddness. I know that my latest lesson I have learned in my life is really depressing. This lesson is I would rather have nothing then feel nothing. I have been feeling like nothing for a long time now. I pray every day and I know if you are not into praying then this sounds kind of corny or just messed up. Maybe that is my problem I pray wrong. I do not know if there is such a thing of praying right or wrong but maybe I have the doubt there that my praying skills are just off. I know that the mouth of god is wide and I fall inside and in my own fallings I will find the questions to my own answers. I no longer ask for answers. I believe that we are born with all the answers we will need for our life. It is that we just have to match up the questions with them. I feel at times I have a grasp on this ever illusive life of mine when in reality I do not. I have no shame in admitting any or all of my faults, weaknesses, and or whatever else. I will claim to be the stupidest person. I do not care about what people think or feel about me. I dont really care about much any more. In reality I have been thinking about how I have well hit into middle age. My family doesnt live long 72 the oldest one. so by my math i am well into middle age and closer to the final days I am ok with that. I am not afraid of dying. I guess this non fear makes me still continue to do dumb ass stuff. http://b13112d.livejournal.com/1210.html public 0 http://b13112d.livejournal.com/933.html Wed, 30 Nov 2005 04:59:42 GMT http://b13112d.livejournal.com/933.html Tomorrow the 30th of November is one of my friends birthday.this friend has always meant a lot to me. I guess I have lost her now. Maybe lost is not the correct word for me to use. For that lost term causes some great saddness in me. I will look for a better word causes less pain. I think that word would be or at least for now is rearranged. Lost to me is something I can not find. I know I could find her and find her well at least I hope to find her well. I have lost people and my life and that lost was more loss then lost. I know this probably makes no sense. But for me however it does. My friend is currently rearranged. I am sure it is for something or someone or some reason that my great emotional deficit will never fully comprehend and that to me is ok. Ok that is a lie. It is not ok. But I will tell myself that lie to take away some of the pain. I guess our lifes are just rearranged now and this rearrangement does not allow us to be friends. I do not like it. I do not like it one bit. But if she is happy I will be happy for her. For happy cows live in the valley near her. I guess if the cows are happy I should feel the same but I do not. I share this birthday with her. Well in a sense I share it. Hers is her birth day and mine is my awaking day of becoming free from some addictions. I want to write more however I have kids needing to be helped and well I will shove those emotions back down inside so I can be of clear mind with the math help needed by the kids. http://b13112d.livejournal.com/933.html contemplative public 0 http://b13112d.livejournal.com/746.html Sun, 27 Nov 2005 19:41:02 GMT http://b13112d.livejournal.com/746.html Nothing can be greater then waking up and feeling that in love feeling. Nothing I tell you. This morning like the past I dont know how many mornings wasnt one of those mornings. I will admit I try my hardest to keep a good heart and be in love at times I question it. My partner when she talks to who ever about what ever she always says those little things that I find hurtful. Things like I'm going to do this and that. My house. I picked out this or that. I am a single parent. I am not who I am. I guess I am really over sensitive about things. Because usually her I or I am statements really means I will be doing it. Thanksgiving given points She said I am going to make turkey. I was the one up making it. She took the credit. I have learned to not sweat all the small things about who made what or who did what. I guess I am truely pussy whipped. I was woke up this morning because of what ever reason. I am never sure of what reason. At times its like she does this to see if I will get mad. I have lost that ability to gain anger any more. It shows nothing and all I have to do after is apoligize and kiss ass. I wont do that any more. I just give up. Sure I love the hell out of her. However, I sometimes feel we are no longer in this relationship. That my only stay here is for me to play the role of cook and maid and repair person and baby sitter. Maybe that is wrong and maybe I am way off the mark. But my heart says hell why does she always claim she is single around everyone. then in private say oh no we are together but you know how homophobic people are. http://b13112d.livejournal.com/746.html aggravated public 0 http://b13112d.livejournal.com/461.html Sat, 26 Nov 2005 23:55:49 GMT http://b13112d.livejournal.com/461.html sometimes life is just weird and wired. i think will i ever be able to tell rachel no. I guess i am just too much of a pw. http://b13112d.livejournal.com/461.html sick public 0